Ojibwa Woman
The persistent agonizing throb of my phantom right leg pulls me out of a fitful sleep, into the raw reality of a newborn morning. I struggle to pry stuck eyelids open, my eyes dulled by an unbearable ache drink in the sunlight pouring between blue lace curtains.
Heavy eyelids snap closed, shuttering out burning brightness. A nearby robin’s trill blends with the mewling of wheeling hungry gulls, with horns honking impatiently, gunned engines growling, distant laughter, and loud angry voices. This cornucopia of city songs separates me further from sleepiness, overwriting the fear of a familiar nightmare.
Eyes squint open, slowly adjust to the light. I turn my head, and stare at the clock on our bedside table. It stares back at me, and its black minute hand ticks, ticks, ticks its relentless way around the round white face.
Seven-thirty registers through the December molasses of my mind, and I sigh with relief because I don’t have to go to work until tonight. I revel in the fullness of the day stretching out before me, the way a ribbon of asphalt stretches out over wide prairie land without seeming to have an end, and I want nothing more from it than to lie in my cocoon, wrapped between that soft glow of being half asleep, half awake, but the pain sharpens, nags at me like a toothache.
My left-hand fumbles around the top of the bedside table, but I fail to find my pills. The hurt from missing flesh pulls groans from my belly, drags me further into the day. I ease out from under the sleeping girl, trying my best not to wake her.
She mumbles soft, too low for me to hear, and rolls over on her back. My eyes rest on the high cheekbones, partially hidden by long messy hair, darker, shinier than a raven’s wing, softer than a summer mist. My breath catches in my throat, holds at the sight of rising copper colored breasts.
My mind remembers last night’s magic, and my body responds to the memory. For a moment, the need to return to her, the need for me to take and own the wonder of her, is greater than the pain, but only for a moment.
I struggle to a sitting position, begin yanking drawers out one at a time, rummage through them. When I fail to find what I need, what I hunger for, the panic deepens.
Frantic shaking hands shove blankets aside, and a bare foot lands on a soft deep white carpet. Hands fumble, slide the plastic sheath of my metal leg over the padding protecting the stub, fasten it into place, and pull myself upright.
The agony spikes, drawing animal like cries from me. I whimper, “Sweet Jesus, have mercy on me,” through clenched teeth with every stumbling step I take across the bedroom floor, through the living room to the kitchen cupboards. It grips me tight as I fling doors open, pull drawers out, and empty them onto the blue tiles, but there is no help in sight, no bottle with little white pills; no hope of relief from the agony burning through me.
For a moment, it strikes me as funny how much something that doesn’t exist; something that hasn’t existed for two years now can still make me cry, well maybe not funny, ha, ha, but certainly funny in an ironic way.
I pull out the final drawer, ready to dump it onto the mess when I remember that I didn’t fill my last prescription because of my fear of becoming addicted, of losing myself to oblivion, and becoming one of those blank eyed, pitiful wretches willing to do anything for a fix.
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